12 Days of Christmas
DECEMBER 19, 2007
I’m done with my Christmas shopping. Hooray! And Monday I packaged, wrapped and mailed off all the gifts I needed to so they’ll arrive in time for Christmas. Hooray! Well, now, who died and made me the perfect, reliable sister, daughter, aunt, in-law, friend ever! Usually it seems I do less and less every year. I’m allergic to crowds, people in general, so I opt out for the gift certificate and on-line shopping over the more caring, intimate personal touch of in-store, in-person purchases. After all, life is short right? Why spend it waiting in line at any time of the year?
This year I made a discovery; not unlike the one I realized when I wanted to start an anonymous blog and then realized that if I had it on my website, it wouldn’t be anonymous. No, not like that. I discovered those two credit cards that I hadn’t activated. The emergency ones. The cards you’re only supposed to keep in time of total financial ruin and breakdown. Well, this is the time. Quite frankly, it’s most of the time but now is as good as ever. I got so excited that I made a list of everything I wanted to buy anyone I was going to buy a gift for this holiday season. Then I made a list of everything I wanted to buy myself. Because during the holiday season, my shopping goes something like this, “One for you, two for me, three for me, one for that guy, a card for this gal, wait, no, she’s kinda on my funky list, then one for me…” Just like that. I decided I had a lot of fun shopping in person this year.
Until January….sigh.
December 20, 2007
I bought an expensive dress today. Not really, really expensive but expensive for me which means in terms of food. How many groceries could I buy for the month for the price of this dress? How long am I going to think that way though? It’s so annoying to constantly say no to myself on the most menial things. I bought a dining table Friday and picked it up yesterday. Now, you say, what’s the big deal? But ever since I moved to Los Angeles eight years ago, I can count on one hand the number of furniture items I’ve bought. I would need 18 hands to count the number of acting classes, business items of that ilk, promo items, postage, mailings, office supplies that I’ve bought instead. In fact, I didn’t get a couch for a year and a half after moving here until a boyfriend bought me one for Christmas.
A couple years ago and even more recently last year, I remember being out of work and looking around at my dump of an apartment and thinking why haven’t I bought any furniture, why haven’t I lived in this place? I had a friend visit one day a few years back (friends only visit once every three years…if that) and she looked around my living room and remarked, “Maria, why don’t you have anything on your walls?” Hmmm, I looked around and she was right. Not one framed cheap print of some famous painting that described some exhibit at some cosmopolitan city museum, not a lot of framed pictures of family and friends (I take pix of them when they come to visit so I’ll have proof that I actually do have friends. And I frame them even though they usually have a deer in the headlights look because of the sudden shock. I digress.), no cheap paintings of boats and cafes, nothing. Not even a mirror (no wonder there is a look of shock on my friends’ faces.). It was unsettling to say the least but the answer for that is that I never really moved in. I always thought the space was temporary. It’s so easy to get comfortable somewhere even if it’s miserable. Comfortable misery. That’s what the shamanic astrologer told me what it would be like if I didn’t move to L.A. but stayed in Detroit. He said, it would be okay but it would be like a “comfortable prison.” Well, I think that’s just what I did to myself here in L.A., I created a comfortable prison for myself. And it’s really not that comfortable because I can’t sit anywhere but at my desk or on the bed or in the rocker (that would be not a person with spiky hair wearing black leather but the chair kind). Much of the time I wasn’t home though either, out every night trying to perform, rehearsals, classes, work and oh yeah, another comfortable prison: the garage, the preferred living arrangement of a former boyfriend. A garage. No wonder I thought my apartment was okay.
My whole point is that next year is about being comfortable with abundance. It’s about finding a new place to live, buying a new car and buying a once in a lifetime dress because I feel like it and not feeling bad about it. It’s about putting stuff up on the walls and finding new ways to enjoy life, to enjoy every day. Yes, it can be about goals and dreams and their achievement but it can’t be about striving anymore. It can’t be about relentless sacrifice and striving all the time without giving back to myself. So next year will be about striking a balance between work and play, effort and fun, business and pleasure, and buying and spending. Okay, that one is kinda the same but I’ll figure it out. So for now, I’m enjoying the dress even if it is in a closet on a hanger. It’s just nice to have it. Although I should try and wear it soon, otherwise, after the holidays, it may not fit. Sigh.
I’m done with my Christmas shopping. Hooray! And Monday I packaged, wrapped and mailed off all the gifts I needed to so they’ll arrive in time for Christmas. Hooray! Well, now, who died and made me the perfect, reliable sister, daughter, aunt, in-law, friend ever! Usually it seems I do less and less every year. I’m allergic to crowds, people in general, so I opt out for the gift certificate and on-line shopping over the more caring, intimate personal touch of in-store, in-person purchases. After all, life is short right? Why spend it waiting in line at any time of the year?
This year I made a discovery; not unlike the one I realized when I wanted to start an anonymous blog and then realized that if I had it on my website, it wouldn’t be anonymous. No, not like that. I discovered those two credit cards that I hadn’t activated. The emergency ones. The cards you’re only supposed to keep in time of total financial ruin and breakdown. Well, this is the time. Quite frankly, it’s most of the time but now is as good as ever. I got so excited that I made a list of everything I wanted to buy anyone I was going to buy a gift for this holiday season. Then I made a list of everything I wanted to buy myself. Because during the holiday season, my shopping goes something like this, “One for you, two for me, three for me, one for that guy, a card for this gal, wait, no, she’s kinda on my funky list, then one for me…” Just like that. I decided I had a lot of fun shopping in person this year.
Until January….sigh.
December 20, 2007
I bought an expensive dress today. Not really, really expensive but expensive for me which means in terms of food. How many groceries could I buy for the month for the price of this dress? How long am I going to think that way though? It’s so annoying to constantly say no to myself on the most menial things. I bought a dining table Friday and picked it up yesterday. Now, you say, what’s the big deal? But ever since I moved to Los Angeles eight years ago, I can count on one hand the number of furniture items I’ve bought. I would need 18 hands to count the number of acting classes, business items of that ilk, promo items, postage, mailings, office supplies that I’ve bought instead. In fact, I didn’t get a couch for a year and a half after moving here until a boyfriend bought me one for Christmas.
A couple years ago and even more recently last year, I remember being out of work and looking around at my dump of an apartment and thinking why haven’t I bought any furniture, why haven’t I lived in this place? I had a friend visit one day a few years back (friends only visit once every three years…if that) and she looked around my living room and remarked, “Maria, why don’t you have anything on your walls?” Hmmm, I looked around and she was right. Not one framed cheap print of some famous painting that described some exhibit at some cosmopolitan city museum, not a lot of framed pictures of family and friends (I take pix of them when they come to visit so I’ll have proof that I actually do have friends. And I frame them even though they usually have a deer in the headlights look because of the sudden shock. I digress.), no cheap paintings of boats and cafes, nothing. Not even a mirror (no wonder there is a look of shock on my friends’ faces.). It was unsettling to say the least but the answer for that is that I never really moved in. I always thought the space was temporary. It’s so easy to get comfortable somewhere even if it’s miserable. Comfortable misery. That’s what the shamanic astrologer told me what it would be like if I didn’t move to L.A. but stayed in Detroit. He said, it would be okay but it would be like a “comfortable prison.” Well, I think that’s just what I did to myself here in L.A., I created a comfortable prison for myself. And it’s really not that comfortable because I can’t sit anywhere but at my desk or on the bed or in the rocker (that would be not a person with spiky hair wearing black leather but the chair kind). Much of the time I wasn’t home though either, out every night trying to perform, rehearsals, classes, work and oh yeah, another comfortable prison: the garage, the preferred living arrangement of a former boyfriend. A garage. No wonder I thought my apartment was okay.
My whole point is that next year is about being comfortable with abundance. It’s about finding a new place to live, buying a new car and buying a once in a lifetime dress because I feel like it and not feeling bad about it. It’s about putting stuff up on the walls and finding new ways to enjoy life, to enjoy every day. Yes, it can be about goals and dreams and their achievement but it can’t be about striving anymore. It can’t be about relentless sacrifice and striving all the time without giving back to myself. So next year will be about striking a balance between work and play, effort and fun, business and pleasure, and buying and spending. Okay, that one is kinda the same but I’ll figure it out. So for now, I’m enjoying the dress even if it is in a closet on a hanger. It’s just nice to have it. Although I should try and wear it soon, otherwise, after the holidays, it may not fit. Sigh.
posted by Maria @ 1:17 PM
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