12 Days of Christmas, Part Deux
I SHOULD HAVE STARTED IN PORNO, MAYBE THEN I’D BE A WORKING WRITER NOW
All over the entertainment news are stories about “Juno,” the movie, penned by the screenwriter flavor of the month who has quite a back-story of her own. She was discovered on a porno internet blog detailing her exploits as a stripper/peep show artist, wrote a book about her exploits, then wrote a screenplay not about her exploits but about the adventures of a 16 year old girl, not about porn. It’s a good movie, I enjoyed it. It’s a wonderful script. But geez, couldn’t you have struggled a little more like the rest of us? Actually, I don’t know what I would have to be envious of because if I would actually finish all these projects I’m working on and writing then maybe someone would take notice. Well, I have, sort of, I’m just holding onto it until it’s ready. And when will that be? Hmmmm…
Seriously, though, it gives one pause after reading about this woman. I mean here I’ve been struggling to get a hand up (no pun intended) as an actor and writer and really all I had to do was stay in Detroit and create a porn blog. Only here’s the problem with that for me, I’m too square. I wouldn’t have had the most salacious exploits to concoct and then rehash for the viewing internet readers. Of course, I was in my late twenties’ and early thirties’ when I lived in Detroit and pretty good lookin’ too. I was a nice petite size 2. I just didn’t live a party life. I pretty much gave that up after New York. I got bored with it to be honest. And I gave up drinking because in Detroit they don’t have subways and taxis and buses to get you home like New York. You have to drive and I wasn’t going to drive drunk.
It gets boring bar hopping after awhile. You’re in the first bar and the night is young and everyone looks all fresh and smells nice and then you’re onto the next place and every one is looking a little blurry and still okay but a mite crumpled, someone falls off the bar stool but he’s up again, you’re eating more, then you’re onto the next and the next place and you trip over the guy who’s on the floor in front of you, you have food stains on your shirt, skirt, whatever, the heel of your shoes falls off and who are you? Did I come in with you? And where can you get a pastrami on rye at 3 a.m.? Not to mention all the money you blow in one evening and the time I actually left a night of tips in a taxi cab. Lot of quarters to be sure and lots of singles but they add up! After that, I quit drinking and swore off just hanging out in bars. It’s not that fun really and I end up bumping my head quite a bit on nice floors but enough of that.
As to the whole salacious thing, I wouldn’t know where to begin. Not that I’m a goody two shoes or anything but like I said I’m kinda square. I don’t get into the food thing because whip cream and all that makes me gag and I’m lactose intolerant to boot. I’m not into the dominatrix or S & M stuff because that just hurts and it looks like a lot of work. I’m not into role playing or any of that because unless it’s some Chekhovian play, I’m not into being a nurse for your entertainment pleasure and hey, shouldn’t I be making tips anyway? I’m anti-social so I don’t care for threesomes, foursomes and large parties of orgiastic sex not to mention I’m also a clean freak, obsessive-compulsive and slightly autistic so anything weird bugs me out and turns me off and please don’t try to touch me. Please don’t do that whole sexy whispery talk thing because having to reply, “What?” “Pardon?” “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Can you speak up?” is a turn off and it just makes me laugh. Stand up comedians can’t do a lot of this stuff without thinking up punchlines so if you’re comin’ off as Mr. Lovah, Mr. Don Juano Beano, I’m just gonna make a crack and then you’re gonna get pissed.
In fact, most sex to me is a lot of work and I’d rather be watching a movie or reading a book. This is why I prefer slightly kinky sex where I can be tied up. That way, I can just lie there. If I can get him to blindfold me, I can take a short nap. And I hate it when they ask, what’s your fantasy? Hell, my fantasy, is to never have to work again a day in my life. Or that I could buy a $200 dress and not feel guilty about it. Or eat a hot fudge cream puff sundae without gaining weight or how about not gaining weight at all ever. Here’s a fantasy: world peace, food for the hungry and a new car for me. Here’s another one: a beautiful home so I wouldn’t have to live in these dump apartments the rest of my life. You know, this is where I’m at fantasy-wise.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, finding fame and fortune thru a porno blog. See that’s not gonna happen for me. Maybe someone will want my adventures as a legal secretary: “These revisions to the Limited Partnership Agreement were voluminous and curiously erotic.” I don’t think so. More like curiously NEURotic, rather than erotic. Or how about retail sales: “One day a man came in the store and he came right up to me and asked, ‘Where might I find Jockey brand tube socks?’ And I knew right then it was love.” See? Not good.
So I guess some of us are going to have to settle for some other way to the path of discovery of fame and fortune. Maybe midgets. Maybe I can talk about my life with midgets. Yeah, I don’t have a life with midgets but I can always make one up if need be. Okay, back to my book. It’s good, it’s called “What Color is Your Prophylactic?”
All over the entertainment news are stories about “Juno,” the movie, penned by the screenwriter flavor of the month who has quite a back-story of her own. She was discovered on a porno internet blog detailing her exploits as a stripper/peep show artist, wrote a book about her exploits, then wrote a screenplay not about her exploits but about the adventures of a 16 year old girl, not about porn. It’s a good movie, I enjoyed it. It’s a wonderful script. But geez, couldn’t you have struggled a little more like the rest of us? Actually, I don’t know what I would have to be envious of because if I would actually finish all these projects I’m working on and writing then maybe someone would take notice. Well, I have, sort of, I’m just holding onto it until it’s ready. And when will that be? Hmmmm…
Seriously, though, it gives one pause after reading about this woman. I mean here I’ve been struggling to get a hand up (no pun intended) as an actor and writer and really all I had to do was stay in Detroit and create a porn blog. Only here’s the problem with that for me, I’m too square. I wouldn’t have had the most salacious exploits to concoct and then rehash for the viewing internet readers. Of course, I was in my late twenties’ and early thirties’ when I lived in Detroit and pretty good lookin’ too. I was a nice petite size 2. I just didn’t live a party life. I pretty much gave that up after New York. I got bored with it to be honest. And I gave up drinking because in Detroit they don’t have subways and taxis and buses to get you home like New York. You have to drive and I wasn’t going to drive drunk.
It gets boring bar hopping after awhile. You’re in the first bar and the night is young and everyone looks all fresh and smells nice and then you’re onto the next place and every one is looking a little blurry and still okay but a mite crumpled, someone falls off the bar stool but he’s up again, you’re eating more, then you’re onto the next and the next place and you trip over the guy who’s on the floor in front of you, you have food stains on your shirt, skirt, whatever, the heel of your shoes falls off and who are you? Did I come in with you? And where can you get a pastrami on rye at 3 a.m.? Not to mention all the money you blow in one evening and the time I actually left a night of tips in a taxi cab. Lot of quarters to be sure and lots of singles but they add up! After that, I quit drinking and swore off just hanging out in bars. It’s not that fun really and I end up bumping my head quite a bit on nice floors but enough of that.
As to the whole salacious thing, I wouldn’t know where to begin. Not that I’m a goody two shoes or anything but like I said I’m kinda square. I don’t get into the food thing because whip cream and all that makes me gag and I’m lactose intolerant to boot. I’m not into the dominatrix or S & M stuff because that just hurts and it looks like a lot of work. I’m not into role playing or any of that because unless it’s some Chekhovian play, I’m not into being a nurse for your entertainment pleasure and hey, shouldn’t I be making tips anyway? I’m anti-social so I don’t care for threesomes, foursomes and large parties of orgiastic sex not to mention I’m also a clean freak, obsessive-compulsive and slightly autistic so anything weird bugs me out and turns me off and please don’t try to touch me. Please don’t do that whole sexy whispery talk thing because having to reply, “What?” “Pardon?” “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Can you speak up?” is a turn off and it just makes me laugh. Stand up comedians can’t do a lot of this stuff without thinking up punchlines so if you’re comin’ off as Mr. Lovah, Mr. Don Juano Beano, I’m just gonna make a crack and then you’re gonna get pissed.
In fact, most sex to me is a lot of work and I’d rather be watching a movie or reading a book. This is why I prefer slightly kinky sex where I can be tied up. That way, I can just lie there. If I can get him to blindfold me, I can take a short nap. And I hate it when they ask, what’s your fantasy? Hell, my fantasy, is to never have to work again a day in my life. Or that I could buy a $200 dress and not feel guilty about it. Or eat a hot fudge cream puff sundae without gaining weight or how about not gaining weight at all ever. Here’s a fantasy: world peace, food for the hungry and a new car for me. Here’s another one: a beautiful home so I wouldn’t have to live in these dump apartments the rest of my life. You know, this is where I’m at fantasy-wise.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, finding fame and fortune thru a porno blog. See that’s not gonna happen for me. Maybe someone will want my adventures as a legal secretary: “These revisions to the Limited Partnership Agreement were voluminous and curiously erotic.” I don’t think so. More like curiously NEURotic, rather than erotic. Or how about retail sales: “One day a man came in the store and he came right up to me and asked, ‘Where might I find Jockey brand tube socks?’ And I knew right then it was love.” See? Not good.
So I guess some of us are going to have to settle for some other way to the path of discovery of fame and fortune. Maybe midgets. Maybe I can talk about my life with midgets. Yeah, I don’t have a life with midgets but I can always make one up if need be. Okay, back to my book. It’s good, it’s called “What Color is Your Prophylactic?”
posted by Maria @ 12:16 AM
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