No Sharing

I do not like to share. There I’ve said it. I’m a practicing Catholic, I’ve learned to be a pretty compassionate, tolerant person; I give time, money and energy to charities, etc. but I DO NOT LIKE TO SHARE.

Let me explain.

You’re having a nice dinner or lunch with a friend or even a birthday dinner with friends and everyone orders something different. I order one of my favorite dishes, lobster ravioli. I am salivating at the thought of the lobster ravioli in a shrimp and crab cream sauce of some kind and anxiously await its arrival. When it finally gets here, the gals start in: “Would you like to taste my steak? How about if I give you some of my fish for a ravioli? May I taste a ravioli?” NO! Nononononononono! No tasting. No forks in my plate. No steak in my plate. If I wanted steak, I’d have ordered steak. I want to eat my ravioli. I want it all to myself. These are not starving Somalian children in front of me, these are mostly overweight women who don’t need any type of carbs much less in a cream sauce. Furthermore, I ordered it, I’m going to eat it and if I wanted steak, fish or some other dish, I’d have ordered it.

Then we get to the dessert portion of the meal and instead of each of us getting what we want some brilliant woman suggests we get one dessert for all of us to SHARE. Okay, that is not sharing. That is basically gross for starters. What is even grosser is watching four or five women shovel in as many mouthfuls as they can of the dessert after the poor waiter tries to retrieve his arm from setting the dish on the table. Hey, waiter, forget the forks; bring a nose vacuum instead. What makes women think it’s okay to put their forks they’ve just shoved into their mouths back in a dish and share and it will still be appetizing? I’m not sharing bodily fluids with you so why should I have to? Men don't do this but if only I knew five men to go out with I wouldn't have this problem. Quite frankly, if I only had ONE man to go out with I wouldn't have this problem. That's another blog.

Well, why don’t I just get my own dish of dessert you say? Because if I ordered my own dish while they were shaaarrring their one dish, I would still have to share mine because they would be sticking their forks in it anyway. Help me!

Then there’s the beach outings or camping outings where you stop at a 7-Eleven for some snacks and end up sharing in the car a pack of gum you bought for yourself but since everyone wants a piece you are now down to nothing and need to find another 7-Eleven to replenish your supply. But you get smart, you buy the extra pack for yourself, ha! But now you are poor because you have to buy two of everything, one to share and one to keep for yourself. I mean, I hate this sharing thing!

I want to know who is the person or persons who started sharing. Someone must have decided at some point in history that taking something from someone else who has something and giving a piece to someone who doesn’t was a good thing. Who was that? Was it Moses? I never liked that guy. Looked like a homeless guy with a long white beard and everything. Well, he sort of was homeless but that’s not the point. Probably all that manna from the sky wasn’t enough to go around and he suggested, hey, share. Of course when you have burning bushes talking to you, probably a good idea to listen to the guy. Which is why people share, they’re afraid if they don’t, the sky will fall on them. But it won’t! It won’t!

Look the Bible tells you not to share. It’s right there in the commandments, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” Right there, means no sharing. Our constitution in this country upholds our right not to share. It says, “All men are created equal.” Therefore, no need to share. You can get it and I can get it. And if I get it first, too bad for you. But you can get it anyway, I’ll just have gotten it first.

It starts when we’re youngsters. It’s all this "play nice with everybody" crap. What it always turns out to be is your mother saying, “Go play with Sally next door. She doesn’t have anyone to play with and bring your dolls.” So you go play with Sally next door and bring your dolls. Then before you know it, Sally has torn your doll’s head off and is stomping on the rest of the doll with her foot and because that’s not destroying her enough, she’s going to find the hammer. Oh what fun! Yes, let me play with Sally. Let’s share my toys with Sally because she doesn’t have any! Let me bring my other doll tomorrow and we can play pyromaniac and you can set her on fire! Great. Sally doesn’t have any toys because SHE’S DESTROYED THEM and she's a sociopath! Hello!!!

Then there’s the after Halloween share your candy saga. Look, it’s hard work going door to door to get this sugar coated stuff that might even poison you or maim you so why should I share my candy? Let that poor sap go risk his life going door to door getting his own candy! If I had to share, I always separated the good candy from the bad candy and offered that. I mean, what the hell, beggars can’t be choosers now can they? Even better yet, I’d go in my sister’s room and get her candy to give to someone else. Why even sacrifice the bad candy? You never know. The good candy will be gone and then at least you’ll have the bad candy.

But I believe I’ve found a solution. I avoid people at all costs. That’s right. And so, I’ve eliminated the problem of having to share at all.